Hey, everyone! Update your blogroll, and come visit me in my new digs! Very Nearly Vegan is up and running!
Be patient. I haven’t ditched you all, and I’m not lying in a food coma on the living room floor, either. I’m working my ass off, trying to get the new blog up and running. I’m thinking Saturday???!!
Psst, I did something a little crazy this morning. I registered my own domain!!
OK, I’ll cut to the chase. I’m going to start a new blog (or perhaps move this blog), where I’ll write about a little of everything, but about transitioning back to veganism in particular. Recipes, how the kids (and J, and I) adapt, problems we encounter, how it affects our health… that kind of thing. I have no plans to be a preachy vegan, and I still plan to write about weight struggles and body image and intuitive eating and exercise. And family and kids and all the rest.
My question to you: would you visit the blog if the primary focus was veganism? Or would that be a little off-putting to you, and you’d prefer to see me keep the blogs separate?
Harry has finally (FINALLY!) overcome his obsession with the movie Cars. Words cannot express how incredibly thankful I am for that. I had been at the *if I have to listen to that movie one more time!!!!* point for a couple months. Luckily, his new fave is something I can get behind. He *loves* the movie Ratatouille. And, wonder of all wonders, so do I. The story line is fun, the music is perfect, and the setting is my favorite place on earth. I’ve walked those streets, I recognize the bridges, I know the restaurant Gusteau’s is modeled after. Not only that, but Remy dishes out not only delectable looking dishes (every time we watch that movie Liam begs me to make Remy’s Ratatouille), but some great intuitive eating advice. A few that come to mind:
Don’t just hork it down!!
and
If you are what you eat, then I only want to eat the good stuff.
Ego, of course, delivers the best intuitive eating advice I’ve ever heard:
I don’t like food, I love it. If I don’t love it, I don’t swallow.
And naturally, Gusteau himself has some wisdom to impart:
Good food is like music you can taste, color you can smell. There is excellence all around you. You need only to be aware and to stop and savor it.
There you have it. Eat good food, not garbage. If it’s not worthy of your taste buds, of your time, don’t swallow. Stop to savor it, taste it. Don’t just hork it down.
I’m not weighing in today, but I’ll tell you this: I FEEL GREAT! I’m so happy right now it literally brings tears to my eyes. I had no idea how unhappy I was until I just let go of everything — the calorie counting, the obsessing, the remonstrations for eating a piece of chocolate… People comment on it, on how happy and healthy I’m looking these days. I am absolutely astounded. My jeans are perchance a bit looser, certainly not tighter, and that’s enough of a measuring tool for me for now.
So, no weigh in for me, but I certainly do want to take part in the upcoming challenge at the Sisterhood:
(You know, my one concern about intuitive eating and the path I seem to be on is that I’ll lose touch with all the awesome women I’ve met through the Sisterhood. I fervently hope that doesn’t happen, because you all mean the world to me.)
The idea of this challenge is that it takes 21 days to make (or break) a habit. What do you want to change? In all honesty, my first thought was to join Christie O. on the sans alcohol route. But… I don’t wanna. I should, but I just don’t feel like it right now. I’m not sure what that says exactly, but there you go. Some other time. I’m making enough changes right now.
I have two new habits I want to work on during this challenge:
1. Daily yoga practice. I really want to develop a home practice, in addition to whatever workouts I manage to fit in. It grounds me. It’s not really about the physical side of it, although that’s certainly a challenge. It’s more about taking time to be with myself, in mind, body, spirt. Not me working out but my mind planning dinner and my spirit still battling with my husband about some insignificant argument. So, my goal for this challenge is daily yoga, whether it be 90 minutes sweaty power yoga, or five minutes in savasana.
2. Go veg*n. Yep, that’s right. We’re ditching the meat. I’m not sure if this has come up on the blog, but we used to be strict vegetarian* for a number of years. But we went from being healthy veg*n to junk food veg*n, which obviously resulted in (yet another) weight gain. So I made the decision to go low-er carb, which obviously means high-er protein. So we added meat back into our diet. Returning to a strict vegetarian lifestyle isn’t about weight loss, it’s simply about getting back to what we feel is the right course for our family. It kind of feels like cheating to put this as part of the 21 day challenge, because I think it’s going to be easy — it will be getting back to the real us**. But it just so happens that we cooked up the last piece of meat in the house today, so tomorrow we will be starting, so it seems fitting!
*What do I mean by “strict vegetarian” and “veg*n”? It means we don’t eat meat or poultry or fish, nor dairy or eggs***, but that we DO eat honey, and we DO have leather couches and shoes.
**Harry will still be eating eggs, because he is a picky-as-hell kid, and at this point in his life I can’t assure a healthy, well-balanced diet for him if I don’t include them in his daily intake.
So, that’s what I’d like to accomplish during the next 21 days. That, and continue on the intuitive eating path. What do YOU want to accomplish?
I was really looking forward to getting back to swimming today, but circumstances are conspiring against me. The lap periods at the pool are pretty limited, meaning I either have to get up at 5AM and sneak out without waking the kids (NOT going to happen) or go on the lunch hour. Usually noon works well for me, but the kids’ school schedule has gone crazy this week, and they’ll be home at noon on all but one day, so that’s out. So, what’s a girl to do?
Yoga.
I occasionally (VERY occasionally, like, hardly ever) go to a class. The few available in my locale in English are extremely basic — Triangle and Warrior and Downward-facing Dog, etc. Those are great, of course, and you never stop improving on them. But more challenging poses — arm balances and intermediate-level inversions and the like — simply aren’t addressed. And I feel the need to challenge myself.
So I’m working on developing a good home practice. Following a DVD more than three times makes me want to gouge my eyes out, so that’s not an option. But I still need the guidance of an instructor. I’ve found a number of podcasts that strike the right tone, the right balance of calm and physical effort. More on them some other day.
Today, for the first time ever, I did this:
image scarfed from YogaJournal
That’s Crane Pose, Bakasana, and that is NOT me. That’s some awesome yogini, awesome enough to be gracing the (internet) pages of Yoga Journal. But I did that today.
I’ve always thought Crane Pose was something I couldn’t do. Not until I was thinner. Not until I was stronger. But weight and strength weren’t what was really holding me back. What was holding me back?
Fear.
I was afraid that I wouldn’t be strong enough to hold my weight, and that I would fall forward and crash into the floor. I envisioned a bloody nose, bruising, the whole nine yards. Today though, during the podcast I was following, my feet started to actually lift up off the floor (I was assuming they’d stay down, and just trying to transfer as much weight as I could to my arms). Holy shit! I thought, and backed off. Then I tried again, and the same thing happened. But, as always, I was afraid of crashing face-first on our incredibly hard, non-forgiving tile floors. I tried this several times, until my arms were quivering. I only had one more go in me, when I suddenly had an inspired thought. I stacked my foam blocks in front of me, right where my head would crash IF I was to tip over. So if I did fall, I’d fall an inch at the most. Stupid, I know, but it was the safety net I needed. I tried one last time. One foot, then the other, off the floor.
It lasted all of two seconds. Like I said, my arms were rubber after so many aborted attempts. But I DID it. And I CAN do it again. Because I am no longer afraid of it.
It wasn’t lack of strength holding me back, or my extra pounds. It was fear. And it was all in my head.
I used to meticulously measure every food I put in my mouth, so I could accurately track the calories and carbs. Even lettuce. How f*cked up is that? I knew how many calories and carbs were in 100 grams of romaine, versus 100 grams of spinach. I’d measure every ingredient separately — lettuce. tomato. cucumber. onion. And if all my careful counting failed me and I ended up even 20 calories over my planned daily allowance, well then, I had failed miserable and might as well just write the day off.
I’m so glad to be in a better place now. Today, I had a salad for lunch because it sounded good, not because it was my best chance at staying under 1400 calories for the day. I measured nothing, including the delicious and slightly decadent homemade tahini dressing. It feels fantastic not to obsess over all these little details. And it feels incredible not to feel like a failure at the end of the day.
Feeling like this makes me think there is no way I could ever go back to dieting. Oh, I’m sure the day will come when I’ll see a picture of myself and be unhappy, or step on the scale and realize I haven’t made the progress I had hoped for, and I’ll contemplate dieting again. But right now, today, I say never. That’s one of the reasons I’m writing this post — to remind myself of how liberated I feel right now, and how f*cked up and twisted and negative and unhealthy and unhappy I felt when I was dieting.
NEVER.
You may have noticed that it’s been a while since I posted in my intuitive eating series. There’s a very good reason for that. Principle #3, Make Peace with Food, is a huge struggle for me.
For those of you that have been reading my blog for some time, you may have noticed that all of a sudden, out of nowhere, I started talking about chips. That’s because they’ve been on my *MUST NEVER BUY* list for about a decade. (I find it very ironic to think that, about a decade ago, when I made that ruling and decided chips were evil in a bag, I was about ten pounds lighter than I am right now… hmmm….) So I had no reason to mention them. And then I started investigating inuitive eating…
Principle #3 calls for you to Make Peace with Food. In the authors‘ words, Give yourself unconditional permission to eat. There are no taboo foods. There are healthier options of course, but no food is off limits. When you deny yourself a particular food, you tend to end up craving it. And when you do finally give in, you over-indulge. Making peace with food means you give no emotional importance to your taboo food. To any food. You aren’t good because you choose an apple; you’re not bad because you choose the chocolate.
Okay, I get that, in theory. But in practice…? Scary. As. Hell. Because you don’t simply nod and exclaim, you’re right! Chocolate is just another choice! It has no power over me! Pass me an apple. No. You have to face that particular food and show yourself that it, indeed, has no power over you. You have to try it. Buy it. Invite it into your life.
In keeping with this idea, two weeks ago I bought a bag of chips. Sea Salt and Balsamic Vinegar. Used to be my favorite. It sat in my cupboard for a few days, where I kept contemplating it. When I finally opened it, I ate the whole bag. On auto-pilot. Evaluation didn’t happen until afterward. It wasn’t the great thrill I’d built up in my mind. I felt slightly sick, not satiated. Certainly not pleased with myself. But, I did realize that I don’t like them well enough to keep them in the house. Somehow in the last decade or so I’d build S&V chips up in my mind to be something they’re not.
I don’t feel for a second that I’ve made peace with them. I wish I’d stopped part way through to think of what I was doing, and evaluate how it tasted? was it worth it? Instead, I just realized I don’t want them in my life, period. They were too…. something. Too salty. Too oily. Too… not what my tastes are now. 27 year old me had pretty limited tastes. So I can’t really say I’ve made peace. Rather, I’ve reached a truce with them. You stay in your aisle of the grocery store, I’ll stick to the outer aisles.
But, I DO think the experience has been helpful. I wonder how many other things I’m *afraid* to let myself eat that have no real power over me now? How many things am I craving, but denying myself, that I wouldn’t want anyway?
So, it’s the final weigh in for the Spring Fling Challenge at the Sisterhood. In one way, I really feel like I dropped the ball this week. I’ve been unplugged for most of the week, barely blogging or tweeting, and don’t think I’ve made it to the ‘hood all week. Sorry, H3. Unplugging was definitely something I needed this week, but I should of at least had the courtesy to let you know.
But in another way, I’ve done OUTSTANDING this week. Because I am down another pound, to 159. Yep, a new decade. And not only that: 159 is what I weighed the day I found out I was pregnant with Harry — December 20th, 2006. This is the lightest I’ve been in nearly three and a half years. And that feels really good!
And on that successful note, this is the last time I’ll be “weighing in” for a while. Right now I need to focus a little more on eating and moving for my health, as opposed to eating and moving for my weight, if you know what I mean. It’s all part, for me, of developing a healthier attitude toward food and lifestyle. I’m not saying I’ll never touch the scale again. Just that for now, it’s not where I want my focus.
So, today I decided to put my long-suffering foot to the test. I laced up my trainers, dusted off my Garmin, and headed for the walking path. Initially I had planned to use the track for the cushy surface, but found I just couldn’t face the motonony of it.
First I took about ten minutes to really stretch out the injured ligament. It’s been feeling really tight the last week or so, no doubt because I’ve been barely using it. (Tip: should you ever have the misfortune to suffer a ligament injury in your heel, downward-facing dog is your friend. Your best friend.) I started off S L O W L Y but worked up to a brisker pace once I realized I was feeling good. Brisk, but comfortable, you know?
It was glorious. So wonderful to be out there, moving, not limping. I may have gotten a little teary-eyed at one point, when I realized I can actually train again. But, if that makes me a sissy, then I definitely did not cry. Maybe I gave myself a fist-bump!
A few hours on, still no pain. If tomorrow dawns with me actually being able to walk like a nearly-38 year old, rather than an 83 year old, I’d say I can start building my mileage and my speed back up.
The marathon is exactly nine weeks from today. I’ve worked really hard the last month to maintain my level of fitness. Do I still have a shot at this? A week ago I’d all but written it off. But, as long as I continue to be without pain, I think maybe it’s a possibility. Your thoughts??
Feel free to cheer me on, or tell me I’m nuts. But while you’re at it, if you have any training for a race after being injured advice, please throw it at me!
