never

I used to meticulously measure every food I put in my mouth, so I could accurately track the calories and carbs. Even lettuce. How f*cked up is that? I knew how many calories and carbs were in 100 grams of romaine, versus 100 grams of spinach. I’d measure every ingredient separately — lettuce. tomato. cucumber. onion. And if all my careful counting failed me and I ended up even 20 calories over my planned daily allowance, well then, I had failed miserable and might as well just write the day off.

I’m so glad to be in a better place now. Today, I had a salad for lunch because it sounded good, not because it was my best chance at staying under 1400 calories for the day. I measured nothing, including the delicious and slightly decadent homemade tahini dressing. It feels fantastic not to obsess over all these little details. And it feels incredible not to feel like a failure at the end of the day.

Feeling like this makes me think there is no way I could ever go back to dieting. Oh, I’m sure the day will come when I’ll see a picture of myself and be unhappy, or step on the scale and realize I haven’t made the progress I had hoped for, and I’ll contemplate dieting again. But right now, today, I say never. That’s one of the reasons I’m writing this post — to remind myself of how liberated I feel right now, and how f*cked up and twisted and negative and unhealthy and unhappy I felt when I was dieting.

NEVER.