no fear

I was really looking forward to getting back to swimming today, but circumstances are conspiring against me. The lap periods at the pool are pretty limited, meaning I either have to get up at 5AM and sneak out without waking the kids (NOT going to happen) or go on the lunch hour. Usually noon works well for me, but the kids’ school schedule has gone crazy this week, and they’ll be home at noon on all but one day, so that’s out. So, what’s a girl to do?

Yoga.

I occasionally (VERY occasionally, like, hardly ever) go to a class. The few available in my locale in English are extremely basic — Triangle and Warrior and Downward-facing Dog, etc. Those are great, of course, and you never stop improving on them. But more challenging poses — arm balances and intermediate-level inversions and the like — simply aren’t addressed. And I feel the need to challenge myself.

So I’m working on developing a good home practice. Following a DVD more than three times makes me want to gouge my eyes out, so that’s not an option. But I still need the guidance of an instructor. I’ve found a number of podcasts that strike the right tone, the right balance of calm and physical effort. More on them some other day.

Today, for the first time ever, I did this:

image scarfed from YogaJournal

That’s Crane Pose, Bakasana, and that is NOT me. That’s some awesome yogini, awesome enough to be gracing the (internet) pages of Yoga Journal. But I did that today.

I’ve always thought Crane Pose was something I couldn’t do. Not until I was thinner. Not until I was stronger. But weight and strength weren’t what was really holding me back. What was holding me back?

Fear.

I was afraid that I wouldn’t be strong enough to hold my weight, and that I would fall forward and crash into the floor. I envisioned a bloody nose, bruising, the whole nine yards. Today though, during the podcast I was following, my feet started to actually lift up off the floor (I was assuming they’d stay down, and just trying to transfer as much weight as I could to my arms). Holy shit! I thought, and backed off. Then I tried again, and the same thing happened. But, as always, I was afraid of crashing face-first on our incredibly hard, non-forgiving tile floors. I tried this several times, until my arms were quivering. I only had one more go in me, when I suddenly had an inspired thought. I stacked my foam blocks in front of me, right where my head would crash IF I was to tip over. So if I did fall, I’d fall an inch at the most. Stupid, I know, but it was the safety net I needed. I tried one last time. One foot, then the other, off the floor.

It lasted all of two seconds. Like I said, my arms were rubber after so many aborted attempts. But I DID it. And I CAN do it again. Because I am no longer afraid of it.

It wasn’t lack of strength holding me back, or my extra pounds. It was fear. And it was all in my head.